Sometimes, you gotta know when to say enough's enough! You know? When you realise that you've tried for so long doing the same thing different ways and expecting results yet nothing seems to be changing? Well that's the stage I'm at with this crush! I don't blame her. It's not her fault that I feel what I feel. I just feel like saying "enough's enough" & letting God handle this the way He would, because I can't consciously try to do anything when I'm around her!
S.R. Cook - Thoughts on a Crush
Hey everyone!
It's funny how things turn out!
This afternoon I met up with some friends of mine for a bit of a birthday bash. Luckily I got more in attendance than I did cancellations, which is always a bonus.
I couldn't get away, all afternoon and most of the evening, though, from the thought of what if she was there...?
What if she was there?
What would I have done then?
Dodged a Bullet? I Think So!
I think the closest answer that I can come up with right now is that I seriously would, probably, have lost my s... my nerve and blown it open then and there!
Cr@p!
I constantly ask myself what in hell I am getting into with this.
I never even planned for this...
I never even wanted this to happen this year; I just wanted to focus on my walk with God!
It's not her fault!
No, I don't blame her!
It's just one of those things... circumstances have lined up the way they did and I still feel the way I did when I first saw her!
I could tell you about a little experiment that I did that proved my feelings have not changed one bit, but I need to bring some focus in here!
Focusing Back on God When it Matters Most
Let me start with what the Apostle Paul said when God told him that his weaknesses were a chance for Him to show true strength in his life: -
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough - always available - regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9a (AMP) emphasis added
Wow!
That's why I chose the Amplified Version for this because it says that God's power is "completed and shows itself most effectively in your weakness". Now, I know I've taken the obvious route and mentioned this when talking about my crush.
The reality is that I do feel weak when I am around her. She is: -
- the deactivate code for my personal defence alarms; and
- the code that lowers my defence screen etc...
I could go on and on mentioning other things that my feelings for her do to me...
The point is that they frickin' disarm me!
I'm not used to that!
NOBODY has ever made me feel that before; disarmed!
The reality is all that I know is that: -
- I go so incredibly shy when I'm around her; and
- My world has been known to literally shake the more I'm around her
So just taking this verse and applying it to myself, to my situation shows me that God can and will help me through this. He is gracious in helping me deal with it for this long & in this way where I can barely be in the same place as her for too long without going stir crazy.
In fact, it pushes me to make declarations like the one I've made at the top of today's post.
What I want to get across to you is what Paul said after that: -
Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] dwell in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9b (AMP) emphasis added
He said he would boast in all those things that made him weak???
Why?
Because he recognised that as he did that, he was admitting to God and to the world that there were situations that he couldn't handle; that he was not perfect and needed a Perfect God to help Him!
If I have to spell this out, I will: -
As if the opening statement didn't spell it out; I am hereby washing my hands of the ability to actually do anything about my crush in the hope that this... this... THIS RIGHT HERE is the very thing that God needs me to do in order to see His will done in this area of my life. I wash my hands of the ability to do anything about speaking to her. I can't do anything about it. But He can!
I'm trying not to be defeatist about all of this, but it's not easy. Not when I just want to say that this is without my reach, but yet there is a part of me that knows that this is well within God's power at work through me!
I believe, then, that I'll get to a point one day where I look back at all this and realise why I've been through what I've been through this year.
Final Thought
I could ramble on some more, but I've done enough of that and I wasn't even planning on using my crush as fodder, but it's just an easy target right now because it's the biggest thing that I struggle with these days.
Maybe one day, I'll get through this!
Until then, trusting God's ordained steps for my life, I will!
