This feels a little alien to me because I'm writing this from a laptop I'm fixing... at my home address! :D
You may know by now that for some months I have been without computer because of a certain wine spillage I told you about, so it's still odd getting used to this (ED - what he's not telling you is that he's currently in the process of fixing it for a relative!) having been only able to access it through computers at the library or Avanta when I go there for my jobsearch.
But that's by the by, because I'm always looking to keep this updated now that 2015 is well and truly in flow...
This is a filler posting, I'll admit, before I start my new series, entitled "The World of the Generous" and I'm going to start by posting something I wrote in my journal recently: -
"My goodness! Talk about a wintry season at the moment, it's like trekking through Siberia in the heart of winter. I'm talking about the long dark tea time of the soul that I'm in at the moment. It is as though, ever since leaving Domino's, I entered a very bleak and desperate place. There's no denying it. I could avoid the issue but I've been hurting of late, hurting real bad, hurting even to the point where 'those dark thoughts' returned as I wondered what I was living for. I've trekked, and will continue, ever onward, through the struggle, all for a brighter day that has to be coming, it just HAS to be or else what is the point?"
Wow!
When I read it back it shows the sort of period I've been in such a way that there's nowhere for me to go to deny it, nor is there any way for me to get around the fact that I've been quite depressed of.
Quite simply, being jobless now for a little over four months is starting to take its toll on me and has made me question a lot of things lately, namely the direction that I am heading in because I want to make sure I get to that "promised land" I've talked of recently.
I know now though, it's not going to be as easy as I think but I'm willing to go for it, I'm willing to fight for it, even if there is a voice inside of me trying to convince me that it'll never happen for me as it never has in the past.
I know I'm becoming a helluva lot more honest in this last couple of postings (ED - come on, more like the past few as you're in a season of immense growth, dude!) but I'm finding this essential as I sort through the darkness that keeps coming over me in waves.
I'm a Christian and I find it only fair to be completely honest with you, whoever's reading this, because it has to be shown that we are not some aloof bunch of people that think we are better than non-believers. I've already said that faith is what gives my life meaning, faith in a Higher Power that can control, yet chooses not to at times, what happens in my life to the point where faith anywhere else is a no-go for me.
I am broken...
I am flawed...
I need a Saviour now more than ever before!
You may be nodding your heads as you read this based on what I've put in some of these posts and in some respects I am hoping that you are, because that shows my message is working.
My hope? I believe in the gospel of grace, not grace to sin, grace that my mistakes have been covered by Jesus' own words on the cross... "it is finished"!
It doesn't meant that my life will not have these struggles or it makes a mockery of everything that I've been through over the years. It just means that I have a Victor and, by proxy, am victorious!
THAT is why I talk like this, THAT is why I try my very best to offer up a Hope beyond all hopes to show people that there is always a way to get through their sufferings. No matter how bad they may seem at the time.
Final Thought
In closing then, let me just say that I hope I've been providing some succour to those of you who are suffering because I know that Jesus has no hands to heal with except my arms, nor does He have eyes to see except mine.
Keep up the faith, brothers & sisters, the faith that one day soon, real soon, it will all works itself and come up Millhouse. ;)
Let me end then by this quote: -
What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves? This is the most important of all voyages of discovery, and without it, all the rest are not only useless, but disastrous. Thomas Merton
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