I do not claim that I have already succeeded or have already become perfect. I keep striving to win the prize for which Christ Jesus has already won me to himself. Of course, my friends, I really do not think that I have already won it; the one thing I do, however, is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead. So I run straight toward the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above.
Philippians 3:12-14 (GNB) emphasis mine
Greetings!
Today, I want to take a slightly left-field approach compared to recent posts as I have some stuff I want to get off my chest and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it so let's see what happens, shall we?
I recently admitted to having flaws (I know, I know, shock horror right?!), one in particular is my stinging nettle and that is sometimes, I fail to control my tongue in the manner that I would like. I am realising, over time, that though I will never be responsible for how somebody takes what I say to them, I will still be responsible for how I say it in the first place.
This has caused me problems and led me to a point where I realised the truth that some people in my life were beginning to be a negative influence upon me...
Stunted Growth to Fullest Potential
I realised, over the last year, that I needed to look after what I did and what I said as a priority and then let the repercussions play out however they were meant to play out. This caused me arguments with certain people as sadly, I think we were both guilty of projecting our own insecurities onto the other person.
I'm only human, I've admitted this already. So are they.
What it did help me to realise was that I needed to break away from certain people as influences as they were becoming part of the problem rather than the solution.
You see, I believe in bringing the best I possibly can to any interaction, but only as long as the other person shows enough willingness to do the same.
That wasn't happening at !Audacious.
I found that some people were misinterpreting my words and actions in such a way that it created a toxic and very hostile environment for me to share in. I'm not saying that they were wholly to blame, because I play my part in life as well. It was, however, painfully obvious in the end that there is a very strong performance culture at work there, which is something that I am not willing to be a part of anymore.
I can never say that it came down from the leaders at all, it was just present amongst some of the members. We are all different, that much I have learnt both the easy and the hard way. I just know that I cannot be in an environment now where, to some people in a church, your contribution is only worth as much as the time you spend there.
Big surprise, right? !Audacious are not perfect.
All I can say is that, when it comes to you realising that you cannot achieve your full potential in one place, you know the time is coming for you to ask yourself a question: -
Am I going to, after seven years of trying, remain content in being only 70% of all that God is calling me to become at this church? Or do I have to find somewhere else where I can grow higher?
And Realising It Too
Sure, long time readers of this blog will know that I struggled really badly with a crush on someone that I used to... well, not really someone I knew, but someone that I fell madly in love with too far, too hard and too fast. Yet I couldn't do anything about it because it became clear that, in order to tell her how I felt about her, I would have to break up a relationship in order to get what I wanted.
That is not how I roll in this life!
All of my experiences there helped me to see that God is indeed calling me on to higher and greater things. Due to various limitations that I believe both I, and the church to a certain extent (courtesy of paywalls in front of development opportunities), had placed upon me, it was obvious it was time to leave.
I was crying out for help for far too long to remain safe at !Audacious, which is not a good sign for me. I have mental health difficulties, something I don't think I've mentioned upon here before, but it's true. I do. It's part of my battle with anxiety and depression (the former of which is easier to deal with at the minute).
Three times I was at the point of suicidal thoughts and, sadly, I just never got the support that I felt I needed. So, as vastly toxic as the atmosphere became there for me personally, I decided it was time to move on to, and I quote myself here "get help on my own terms".
Final Thought
I think that pretty much is all the venting I need to do right now, so I bet you are all wondering what I'm getting at when I've quoted scripture right at the very beginning?
Simple.
Sometimes, in order to progress you have to draw a line under everything you have gone through and be willing to say, like Picard said in First Contact: -
"The line must be drawn here, this far, no further!"
This must come before you are willing to accept that the past has already happened and that there's nothing that you can do about it now except to, as the Apostle Paul said in my quoted passage at the top of this post, move ahead.
I hope you can see that, as open a book as I so willingly am, the reason that I am sharing my scars like this is because it might just help one person to see that they are not alone in their struggle in this life.
All I know is that God is waiting for us to cry out to Him to save us from our haunted past and give us a brighter future than we could ever dream of.
Peace!
===TLP===
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