LS035 - Strength of the Heart

Hello everyone!

It's been a long time since one of my lifestyle posts hasn't it? Last time I looked at how the way we often view our situations is a good indicator of the truths we are starting to believe about them.

This time, mainly because I'm feeling better than I have been of late, I want to take a look at something that's a little closer to my heart; imperfection...

You Can Go Your Own Way

It's been almost a year now since I was last in a church building and a further quarter on top of that since I walked out of !Audacious.

Single-handedly, that was the best decision that I could have made because, if I am honest, the atmosphere there was too toxic and poisonous for me. There are a number of factors, none of which I will expand upon here, because I am trying to keep my eyes focused on the present and upon where I am headed. It has meant that I have had to deal with unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment on a personal level over the way I was treated during the closing months of my time there.

Now, it comes as no surprise to me that a church like that is not perfect, none of them are. I have just come to realise that I was never going to fulfil my potential there. That's nobody's fault. It's just one of those things that happens from time to time.

The more time has gone on since I was there, the more I have come to see just what an unhealthy environment I was in with all that I was trying to deal with and the little support I honestly got. It took some very blunt words from people not associated with the place to help me to see that, not only am I better off out of there, I am also more likely to find a suitable home for myself elsewhere.

I know you'll all be wondering, though, has it affected my faith?

Strength of the Heart

What it has done is helped me to see just how much stronger I have become not just in spite of what happened when I was there, but also because of it. You see, I gradually began to see that my circumstances could either make me or they could break me.

I was determined that it wouldn't be the latter!

In all honesty, though, I have an ongoing plan which, if successful, will see me eventually reconnect into a church environment over the coming years. I am in a long, drawn out process that has taken a long time to get to a stage where I feel healthier and, more importantly, happy with who I am becoming.

Who I am becoming is who I already am.

Back at !Audacious, I couldn't be myself, I never really felt accepted by the people there. I tried. For seven years. I never really felt accepted.

I had to learn to abandon that feeling because life is more than just feelings and to live by feelings is dangerous. Instead, I had to focus myself upon something, or rather Someone stronger.

It says in Psalm 46:1 that God is my "very present help" and that was the kind of truth I needed to learn that, above my feelings for a young lady, above my rejection by people I thought were friends, God was there guiding me through it all and leading me to it all.

I thought I wanted the girl, but really all I wanted was more of God.

Let Your Fire Fall

Earlier this year, I came across a new song by the Australian worship band Planetshakers and really started to connect with it: -

Let Your fire fall,
All consuming fire fall,
There is nothing I want more,
Than to carry Your flame,
Always, to carry Your flame.

This is what I began to realise was beating deep down inside of me, deeper than any feelings I was (and still am to be honest) carrying for someone I fell hopelessly and helplessly in love with. The fire I felt for God was infinitely greater than any affection I might have felt for her.

Since the day I found out she was already seeing someone, yes it decimated me and turned me into someone who is convinced is not the marrying type anymore, I have had to move on with my life and just build upon that fire that has been burning now for over twenty years.

God means more to me than anybody else.

His opinion and approval of me means infinitely more than all I could ask or imagine of the people at the last church I attended. He is my Anchor and my Stay no matter what happens to me and what I go through.

Yes I may struggle with anxiety and depression, severely at times. Yet none of that defines who I am because who I am is who I have always been and that is a man in his own way, trying to love God in the best way that he possibly can.

I'm not perfect. Lord alone, how I know that I am not perfect.

Final Thought

As I close these thoughts out, then, I just want you all to know that, whilst I have been toning down the content on here, I can assure you that I am building up to some exciting projects I will be unleashing and releasing in due course this year.

Thank you for your patience during this difficult time I have been going through.

Peace!

===TLP===