A Dangerous Game - This Is My Confessional

This post comes on a somewhat melancholic note as I'm feeling probably about seventy percent of my usual self due to a cold I can feel coming on.

*sigh*

I must admit that life of late isn't as grand as it usually is because I've been letting stuff get inside my head that should stay firmly outside and I know that it is this that is causing me to walk around with a permanent feeling like a vice is gripping my head.


I was notified at weekend that, due to my non-provision of the necessary documentation to continue my claim for housing benefit/council tax reduction, they have stopped my claim so will be liable for the full amount for the next three months.

That does not faze me because I know that God's got everything in hand, it's just that the reason I've not been able to provide it is Domino's seem reluctant to provide for me my payslip from the time I was there (one month and a bit) and it's really stressing me out, more than it should.

I just wish things were a lot simpler as I'm beginning to feel like a tennis ball being batted back and forth from one department to another of late and just need somewhere to vent.

This "vice" thing I have learned to live with over time because it is my over-concerning nature that everything be just so in life and under my control and in my order, which as I'm sure you know by now is not a great way to live because sometimes things just happen that you could neither predict nor expect.

It really helps me, you've got to know that, to get my thoughts out here onto this blog where I don't know how many people read them, because otherwise, like I said to my dad yesterday, it stops a toxic swamp building up inside of me.

I'm sure you know the feeling I'm talking about, where all the bad stuff that's happened to you over the years you hold onto it and onto it, tighter and tighter, until one day...

BAM!

You snap and either hurt yourself or those closest to you.

One day, I almost did that, I still remember how low I felt that evening five years ago. It was as though there was no point to anything anymore and that it would be better if I just ended it. I even came up with a plan of how I'd do it.

There but for the grace of God go I again!

I swore after I recovered that day that never again would I let myself sink that low as to think that, gulp, suicide was the answer.

See? We're not perfect, us Christians? We're just as broken and flawed as the rest and me, I'm painfully aware of all my scars that I bear.

I think this is the second time I've mentioned it and I locked it up as something never to talk about again. Without realising, it was a failure to acknowledge what happened during that period of my life around five years ago where I actually thought self-termination was the answer.

I told no one.

I said nothing.

Nobody knew and I bet if you asked people from around that time, they'd say "Stuey? Oh, he's great, he's sound", but they didn't know the maelstrom of despair that was riling up within me.

I really sympathise with anyone who's lost someone like this, to have taken the unfortunate way out and ended their life. It is not a nice way to feel, that I know all too closely to the bone.

I guess I'm getting all of this down on the page in the hopes that it provides some comfort to those of you out there who are struggling with issues that you think nobody understands you for.

Here's a tip; talk to someone, reach out to them!

I know it sounds trivial, but I didn't, I thought it was me all alone to fight it out, not realising that all along I had Someone who's never lost a battle right by my side and friends and family that would have reached their arms out to me had I the sense to knock my stupid pride out and run to them.

Crikey, that's a bit serious, isn't it?!

I didn't mean to come out with that, or maybe I did, I just know that there are people out there who think that they're going through their issues all by themselves. Some of them might literally be alone, but know that this bro' is here and is feeling your pain and just asks, no, pleads with you to just hold on: -

These guys really helped me through a lot during those dark days and even before that, when I thought that no one understood me and that I was all alone in the fight for my life.

I'm not and you're not. Just know that there's someone out there, there always is, who's thinking of those who are lost, broken and hurting just wishing they could comfort them or that the God of all creation would wrap His loving arms around them.

Keep it real, bro's and I'll write real soon!

Peace out!