CAUTION: The following posting contains material which may, or may not, contain triggers for some. Consider this notice to be fair warning.
Hello everyone,
This next posting comes at a time of great trial for me and it will either be harder for you to read than it is for me to write, or it will be harder for me to write than it is for you to read.
But it's a story that has to be told...
Hunting Monsters vs. Being One
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. Friedrich Nietzsche
Lately, I've been feeling really down, like I have contracted some kind of soul sickness, a life plague or some such ailment.
You know the sort, where it just feels like life is tainted just like when you put a drop of oil into a glass of water. I wish I could identify one particular event or sequence of events that has caused this. But I cannot.
In sharing my struggle like this, it goes into the public domain where just about anyone can read it if they have the address or the inclination to and you know what? I used to find that an inhibiting factor preventing me from posting the honest to goodness truth about the way I am finding life at the minute.
It all ends here, as Neo said to Agent Smith before their final fight in The Matrix Revolutions; "it ends tonight". I have been building up the courage to write this ever since Friday came around and I always shied away because I knew it was going to touch on some sensitive issues that have dogged me over the years.
Here goes...
Have you ever been part of a crowd and just felt so alone? I don't just mean alone, I mean hopelessly desperately alone, like no one understands you or gets you. I spent most of my childhood creating and building up a certain 'armour' of protection around me preventing people from getting too close to me in case either they get hurt or I do, usually the latter.
I've become a pastmaster at it.
In fact, I was watching an episode of Dexter just a few days ago and the following scene came on I found very apt because I cannot tell you just how many times I have felt like this: -
When Dexter says "nothing else could love me, especially not me", it really struck a chord for me...
No, I'm not just talking about relating to something I've just heard someone say here, I'm saying I really, really felt this hit home as though this has defined me for so many years now; a failure to love oneself for how one has been created, if you like.
It was something I fully identified with.
Striking Chords
Reason? I have spent so many years wrapped up and consumed by guilt over mistakes I've made or weaknesses that I possess. All in a mistaken form of identity that were somehow a crutch to prevent God from fully using me.
What I didn't realise is exactly what Dexter came to realise when he wondered if it was "a lie that the Dark Passenger" tells him because this is the very thing that has been preventing me from truly embracing my life to the full.
Have I been too scared all these years of what others will think of me if they see the real me? The real face that I've been hiding behind all of these years?
You wouldn't necessarily know it from listening to some of the things that I've put on here and in the newly interrupted "60 Seconds" broadcast, would you?
I've been crippled by fear for so long now that it has become such a part of me that I wouldn't know life any other way. Fear that prevents me from trusting others if they reject me when the see the real face I've been hiding all this time as the mask slips askew.
Yes I know this is a dark road I'm taking all of the sudden, but it's simply because it's an issue that clearly needs addressing.
Lately, I've felt like giving up altogether on life...
No, I mean I've really felt like everything is pointless and worth giving up on. My hopes and dreams. On everything I've ever been hoping to see happen.
When Dexter said "it's like the mask is slipping" it again resonated so loudly within my core because this armour-plated front I've built up is to be recognised as something I did to prevent future hurts from past mistakes/hurts. It slips each time I let someone that little bit closer to the real me.
I don't know any other way to live, that much has been abundantly true.
I used to have a friend that would periodically ring me to see how I'm doing and we would spend aaages just... talking. She was the best friend I could ever have hoped to have.
And then she moved away. :(
It still hurts me to this day.
I don't have anyone who'll do that now.
But I don't blame her, times change, people move, I can only hope and pray that she's living the dream over in Qatar now.
Now what am I left with? A network of friends at a church that I cannot get to regularly with my car conking out on me a few weeks back and financial constraints meaning I cannot afford the tram ticket to get there every Sunday.
I wish I could spend time on the phone with people, just talking, because they say a problem shared is a problem halved. But again financial constraints means that my PAYG phone has to stay out of credit until I have spare money to top up.
Please, just "send us some kind of sign, so close to giving up" as the song goes, has been a chorus I've echoed on and off lately to the extent where I try to take my own advice and reach out and what happens?
I shared with someone that I've struggled with depression for some time now and that I need someone to talk to.
But nothing has happened yet.
I don't blame this person, she has her own life to lead.
It is just that this ripping sensation that's tearing a hole through my whole life is something that can only be resolved with a face to face sit down so whoever it is needs to be trustworthy and reliable enough to be my consigliere, I suppose that you could say.
I've prayed over and over again for a miracle from God, to be delivered from this nightmare, but so far, the blackened clouds remain like a lingering storm that just won't break. Like a fever that just won't come out. It's coming, it's on the way, I have to believe that, I just have to because I've got nothing else left!
Send me a friend, then, is a cry I make at this point, someone who'll ring me up out of the blue and say "heeey buddy, how you doin'!!!" would be swell.
Is it sad to say that? I don't know, I haven't known any other way of living.
Final Thought
When the closest thing you feel to community is playing Skyrim & questing for different items that makes you feel part of a bigger picture, albeit a created one. Or watching certain Youtubers for hours on end just to feel like you're part of a community. This is when you know that something is not right and life is all fifty shades of fu... well, darkness... you know that just one day, one day later things might be a little better & brighter than they are today.
I guess you could say that I'm struggling and it's time to accept it as fact and... God how I would love deliverance from this ache, I say, deliverance from this feeling that things are slipping away into nothingness.
If you didn't know me by now, you will never, never, never know me...
Pray for me then, please, that the silver lining on the clouds shines just that little bit brighter for me one day real soon!
Until next time...
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