First off, what sounds like an extreme title is not really, it's just a label I've been trying to put on exactly what it is that I've been going through of late.
Like all good stories, I want to start at the end, though, rather than the beginning.
So here goes...
I was going to call this a 'life update', but I think for now I'll forgo the labels and just get out what needs to be gotten out and we'll see what happens when the dust settles and the chips are in at the end of the night.
On Sunday just gone I had a rather miraculous God-encounter at church designed to blast away some really, really old stuff that needed getting rid of. As you know by now, I make no shame at being a Christian and this blog is just my voice to make sense of my walk as I go about my business.
Shock, Drop & Awe
I've recently shared with you some very dark thoughts that have been plaguing my mind on and off for the past few years and I have come to the conclusion they were borne from one of two things: -
- a need to be validated by others; and
- an incorrect opinion of my true capabilities
Short version is, heading towards the end of the worship segment, during which time I was to be found in the 'praise pit', somewhere I never frequent as often as I should, when something miraculous happened!
We were singing a song that went 'Spirit break out, break our walls down' and I was singing it with every fibre of my being, just praying, nay, pleading with God to do as the song asks because I was sick of living in the valley of the shadow of death that I've been plagued with until now!
My eyes closed and lost in another level of worship, there was a flash of white light not once, but twice... so what, you ask? Well, the moment it struck and struck again it was as if it had been directed right at the problem area that's been hassling and haranguing my mind on and off now for some time.
It was like I was truly experiencing what it means to be a lightning conductor of a very different kind!
Believing for a Miracle
It seems that as I genuinely believed for my miracle, showed God how much I wanted it, He showed up and, the moment it happened, it was as though where my troubles and cares once spent so much time and space had now evaporated into the greater nothingness.
Or just plain vanished!
I'll say it like this, there is no way on this earth, or anywhere else for that matter, that you can find your problems just evaporate and disappear in the twinkling of an eye. No way, brother.
As soon as I opened my eyes I saw everything differently and here I am, what, nearly three days later and I still cannot fully fathom the depth or the extent with which God's miraculous healing struck. This is something I can only hope will become clearer over time.
Again I come back to that quote from Total Recall; "if I'm not me, who the hell am I?"
I've admitted to my battle with depression on here, that's been on and off for these last eight-odd years, so to get to a point where none of what bothered me before Sunday even now registers on my radar is just mindblowing. In other words, I quote Dr. Charles Stanley of In Touch Ministries, I decided to: -
"Obey God & leave all the consequences to Him"
Imagery of a Plane Crash
I liken it to the way a black box often gets left behind as a plane is blasted apart. I know the imagery is extreme, but it's the way I feel right now.
Let me try and explain a bit better.
It is as though the plane represents my false identity, the one that was always seeking validation from others before I could feel content, that God very helpfully blasted apart. He did not do this, I believe, to see if I'll go right back to picking up the pieces to the armour plating & personal protection I'd built around my world. Nay, he did it to see just how much I want to move up to the next level, just like I've been believing I will and am called to!
Final Thought
"Hands on a miracle, I've got my... hands on a miracle" is how the song goes and I think that you can pretty much guess why I've picked this one at this juncture in my posting.
So with this in mind, how can I not believe in God? I've witnessed, over and over again, the supernatural, miraculous power of the One, True, Saving God!
May this be the start of my journey to recovery, revival and delivery and may it be enough for you to maybe reconsider your own stance on faith in a Higher Power.
Until next time,
Peace out!
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