Pour Me Something Stronger Part I - Something Dark

CAUTION: The following information may contain triggers for some people. It has some very dark content, so please read on with care.

You have been warned! - TLP

Well,

How am I supposed to start this post other than to say how bitterly disappointed I am due to yet another job opportunity being slammed shut in my face?

It seems like the up's I record every Friday are immediately followed by certain crashes of the soul and I feel like I've had that many "crashes", as it were, I can scarcely recognise who I am or what I am becoming.

I distinctly recall me recently saying, from Total Recall "if I'm not me, who the hell am I?" & that much is becoming evermore true, every day...

Sating the Sickness

This soul-sickness I've already described has its weaker days, its non-existent days & then there are days like this, where I feel abandoned and left adrift in the sea of life.

As well as struggling with depression, I hasten to admit, at this point, that I've been struggling an awful lot with loneliness. This is something one might understand if you live alone for long enough with no company other than your own.

There are times when I feel like I'm drawing on the fumes of life and all it's giving me is a bitter after-taste, a bitter memory as it were, which reminds me of a song: -

Bitter Memories Are Belong To Us

This sums things up pretty much exactly what I'm feeling at the moment, I'd just wish a lot of things would go away like the bitter memories that they are. If we truly are a product of all that we've faced and how we've reacted to it all then I must be one fu... messed up duck!

Talk like this is brutal, it's honest & though it may be unbecoming of someone who professes to believe what I do, it's the way I feel and there's no getting away from it. Like poison from a wound it has to be drawn from within me or it may just kill me it's that strong!

I don't bother asking "why me?" as mentioned in last week's "60 Seconds..." broadcast, instead I wonder why I don't get addicted to certain substances.

Some, they turn to drink, some, they turn to drugs, am I addicted to pain?

I think I am.

I told myself, having mixed drinks some years ago, on a night out with the lads from work, which within a week landed me in hospital, that never again would I get that drunk that I was so far out of touch with reality that I could touch a bollard and it felt like cotton wool! :D

These are all secrets I've kept up in the tombs, in the catacombs, of my mind for some years now, too afraid to let the ghosts out! :(

Only recently did I make peace with that part of my past to the extent where I can begin to move on. All because my friend, Rachel, moved on without me, though it's not her fault, I had no idea what a chasm her friendship would leave behind within me.

I'm broken up inside, I'm a mess, there's no getting away from that and try as I might, it just keeps on getting harder & harder to find the reason I fight on every single day.

Please bear with me during this difficult time because this is my way of getting out stuff that's been building up a toxic mess for so long now, for so many years now!

This goes into the public domain, every time I hit "Publish" and there's nothing I can do about it except hope that someone, somewhere sees this and thinks that they're not the only one going through soul-crippling stuff.

Sometimes I think I'd rather shove my head in an oven and gas these problem away, I don't mean that from a self-termination point of view, I just mean finding a place I can go and have these problems just taken away.

Jeez, when will this end? It seems like though instant delivery is possible from all this, it's being long & drawn out akin to personal torture on a torture rack.

End of Part One

"Eloi, eloi, llama sabacthani"

Jesus' words on the cross were "Father, Father, why hast Thou forsaken me?" & that is what it feels like sometimes... though He never forsakes his children, still does it feel like that!

Next time I'll look in a little more detail at this personal "valley of the shadow of death" I'm currently walking through.

Stay tuned for part two of 'Pour Me Something Stronger' (ED - 'Pour Me Something Stronger Pt 2" has been temporarily redacted. Sorry.) coming real soon...

Peace out!