"A man is never too weak or too wounded to fight, if the cause is greater than his own life." - Spartacus
Here we go!
Technically, this is of course a little over a day later than I had ever anticipated, but last night I was just too tired to even contemplate another of my little confessionals.
You know, the sort that leaves me reeling and no doubt some of you as well with my new found honesty!
I'm only doing this to show you that, as always, we Christians are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, nor do the majority of us consider ourselves as such. What I will admit at this point is that this journey that I've been on has contained some of the toughest experiences that I have ever had to go through.
All because I have never known what it means to be loved by a significant other...
Strong Words Often Beget Stronger Emotions
Wow!
What would cause me to admit such a thing? Well, for long time readers it is not the first time that I have admitted that I have never had a girlfriend, at least I don't think I have refrained from mentioning it.
I have, instead, not dwelt upon it and gone on to make whatever point I was going to make.
This time, however, I'm going to spend a little time just settling upon such information as this in the hope that it gives succour to someone else who may be feeling some of the feelings I've gone through.
From elation to despair, from joy to suicidal thoughts, from high upon the mountains to down low in the deepest caverns, I've experienced it all.
The highs of finding someone that you like, to the lows as they tell you that unfortunately you are not what they are looking for. To be honest, I've only ever been hit by one of two responses: -
- "Let's be friends"; or
- "No thanks"
Naturally, this created a negative black hole of emotions where I questioned whether I would ever find love in this life.
Harsh? You bet your sweet a$$ life it was!
Was I treated fairly? Hell no!
Sometimes I wasn't even given a chance and the only person that did give me a chance has become my bestest friend in all of the universe. She knows who she is!
The rest? Let me put it to you like this; God clearly was saving me from going through things I clearly should never go through with those people because they weren't right for me.
I don't hate them, I did, believe you me I did, but now? Now I'm a quiet sort of contentment as I consider my options going forward.
Which brings me onto my next point.
Finding Emotions in a Surprising Place
I'm not going to go on record and admit any feelings that aren't there yet, because for me, the young lady I have my eye on I barely know and I'm looking to change that.
I told you, I bring no so-called "love" to the table in this even though I like her a lot, something that I am not ashamed about admitting anymore.
At the moment we are in the early stages of friendship and are on speaking terms, which is a bonus! ;-)
I just want to see where things go because there are things I've seen, visions I've witnessed that allow me to dream a lot greater than I ever ever have before!
All because I found someone that caught my eye.
I wonder if I'm allowed to be bold, to be daring and to bring this song into the mix: -
Now I've either, at this point, took a brave risk and it's backfired, or I've taken a chance and it's soaring high into the air like a baseball bound for a homer...
Either way I have to show just what sort of emotion that I've been dealing with here!
I get tunnel vision when I see something I want, and believe you me I am good at blocking out all negative & outside distractions when it comes to achieving a goal.
That is what I'm looking to do in my search from a wonderful young woman to be my bride one day!
Until then, I've never known what it's like to have a girlfriend put her hand in yours and say she 'likes' me. I've never been hugged with an affection closer than either a brotherly affection or a familial one.
So you could imagine what that did to my former emotional state, can't you?
I thought I could not be loved...
I felt lost...
I felt alone...
I felt inadequate, really inadequate!
Until God showed me HE loved me, thanks to the Crowder song "How He Loves"!
I cried when I realised that.
No, I cried, I really cried... cried with the sort of emotions when you realise something is true for the very first time!
I don't know what it is to hear a girl say 'I love you' to me.
I don't know what it is to have a girl buy me a present and tell me 'happy birthday'.
In school, I was more interested in getting good grades than I was the girl, but it did feature an incident which scalded me for years as I told someone I thought was a friend that there was a girl I liked and he went and told her.
Never before have I felt so humiliated because they both ridiculed me!
Thankfully it didn't last longer than that day, but it was at that point that the knife went in so deep into my heart and burnt a hole that, until recently, has been allowed to collect bitterness, hatred and other such negative emotions.
Final Thought
Praise be to God because He has delivered me from all that hurt, all that emotion to a point today where I am not in the least bit ashamed to admit that there is a young lady that I am seriously crushing on today.
I told you my dreams were that I'd find a truly amazing young woman at !Audacious Church and, whilst I WILL NOT say that my moment is here, I will say that God knows what He is doing and having committed myself to my God and my church, I knew it was likely that this would indeed come to pass.
This is a vision that, as yet, is 6 years and four months in the making from strolling along the beach in Llandudno, North Wales when God specifically told me that there was a woman he was matching me up with.
Tomorrow I'm going to post a follow-on part of this confessional and, from now on, they're going to all come under the title of "I Am Stu-tacus", referencing a mythical hero who has inspired me no end these last few days; Spartacus!
See you tomorrow!
Peace off!
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