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12 December, 2017

LS002 - When All Around is White

WARNING: The following post contains themes of a nature which may contain triggers for some. This is fair warning so if you proceed to the end of this post and get burnt by the issues raised then don't say that you were not warned!
---TLP---

Hello,

Welcome back to another look into the condition that is my walk with depression and anxiety.

Today, I was out walking and I happened to visit my local park where the scenery was glorious and... white, everything was white with the recent snowfall!

That's when I realised something...

Snow, the Great Equaliser



It's funny how snow has a funny way of making everything the same unified colour, isn't it? It doesn't matter whether it's trees, grass, fence posts or whatever, the blanket of white makes everything almost indistinguishable.

This is what got me thinking about the particular battle I'm in at the moment and it prompted me to ask myself the following question: -
Have you ever had that feeling, when you are in a crowd that you don't belong there?
If you have, you will know that it can be a deeply unsettling feeling as you feel out of place, detached almost from everything that is going on.

When it flares up, that's what it's like for me and in those moments I just want to be by myself. Sadly, so very few people in my life have actually understood that at times and as a result I've faced, as I'm sure you can relate, criticism for it and, sadly, that's more times than I would care to admit.

I can't, or shouldn't, really judge them for it because if they've never had to walk the dark and sometimes really uncomfortable path then they'll never understand. It's like wearing a skull cap with really, really sharp spikes in reverse and your every nerve ending is on fire so much that you can barely communicate with people... and that's putting it in a very, very loose comparison!

Fellow sufferers of anxiety, or social anxiety to be more precise in my case, know what it's like to feel like this because your every move gets really uncomfortable.

Imagine what it was like for me, then, during the time I was at a church of hundreds of people like is the case at !Audacious Church. I'm not there anymore, but that's a story I'm not going into on here, well, maybe not today at least because it's really uncomfortable for me to talk about.

Final Thought


Fellow readers of the past year, however, will know what I'm talking about but I'm not in the mood for repeating myself anymore as I've come too far, evolved too much as a Bible-believing Christian, to ever consider re-opening old wounds.

I'm just hoping, even as I navigate through these hallways where it makes me want to not be alive anymore (as I said in the last post), that I can somehow find the strength to bounce back once again.

Just know, whoever you are that's reading this, I'm not okay but I'm heading in the right direction, okay? I'm heading in the right direction.

I hope...

Peace... and duct-tape!

===TLP===

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