Okay, let's start with the revelation I had in between sessions, shall we?
As I was waiting for my tea to cook (minced beef hotpot by the way, nice!), I thought I'd take a look back over my last year courtesy of my personal, private journal to see just what sort of a journey I've been on.
It was a rocky road at that, I'll tell you...
Testing the Limits
The common trend I noticed was how up and down I was for a good portion of this time, oscillating between feelings of hope and helplessness all part of my journey through depression.
My goodness, it was a black road in places, blacker than midnight!
But God pulled me through, March 16th 2015, was the day that God told me I was on the road to recovery and here we are I've been free now for at least two months and I could not be better!
It also showed me that, thankfully, I have been keeping in contact with God throughout my depression so keeping the lines of communication has been fundamental in delivering me... even if it did take around 5 months to fully take effect, showing that when God does a proper job, He takes His time!
I met someone new on Sunday who was so totally amazing, life has been one hell of an emotional ride ever since, as you can imagine. I could write exactly what I'm feeling right now, but it's going to take some time to sort a looot of feelings out because the chat was just that damn special to me and everything that I stand for!
Don't take anything out of context, though, because like I said, I'm operating from an empty playbook, so it's all in God's hands and in His timing!
Thrashing the Throttle to the Max
Yesterday I talked about feeling as if I was undergoing an emotional overhaul, or a cleansing, like God was drawing out all the pain/hurt/fear over events of the past that had so deeply cut me. I can now prove that as true and correct as God not only cleansed me but pushed my emotions to the limit where I was ready to collapse on the verge of emotional exhaustion.
This indeed proves that God has indeed, in the spiritual M.O.T. arena, been resetting my emotions to the original factory conditions ie. not bringing expectations to any new situation and instead recognising that He is in control of the outcome the moment, the very moment I let go of it!
For this evening's message, it was over to Gateway Church in the Dallas, Forth Worth area and Robert Morris: -
This message inspired me no end because it again got me asking myself what I'm supposed to be doing at !Audacious, but not in the sense of "why am I there?", but "what is my purpose there?"
What Am I Doing Here?
I know that my purpose is not just to attend, for that's what a leech does; take, take, take and give nothing back!
He gave us three points to help us figure out just what our calling is in life: -
Draw near to God
Discover & develop your gifts
Do something
I could spend some time unpacking each one but I think that each one speaks for itself, because the first sets the tempo for your life, the second raises you up to a higher calling as you recognise your purpose in God's plan having drawn near to God, with the final point of course being you actually fulfilling that role!
Wow, that took me a lot less time to get through, but I think that's for the better because it gives me a bit of space to sort out some other things, namely the song that most impacted me this session: -
I first heard John Mark McMillan cover this earlier this year on TBNuk and it really started to change my life as far as God's love was concerned. It showed that He is actively loving me no matter where I go and no matter what I do wrong... something I have had to contend with for a lot of my life; the fact that it's not about what I've done that makes Him love me, but about Who He is!!!
Final Thought
It is at this point, again, that I thank my friend Peter, I probably am going to keep doing it until he gets sick of it, because without his pushing me... and God's... I would not have had the chance to speak to, categorically, the most AMAZING woman of God at the weekend!
I've told you, it's only early yet, I have no playbook to work from, so I'm just taking everything one day at a time, which is hard because it goes right against my natural, logical nature... my mind wants to figure things out before they have had a chance to blossom, though I might, might have mentioned something about restarting my heart! ;)
I'm learning, though, to let go and let God take on the full responsibility in this. I don't want the responsibility in case I mess it up, let it just be Him through me, that is all! ;)
Peace off!
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