Fighting Bear Traps with Glass Limbs II - Prising Open the Jaws of Life

The following confessional may contain triggers for some as it deals with some very broken roads and very dark issues that I have been struggling with lately. As always, you have been warned, so thank you for your patience. - TLP

Wow!

That was certainly a journey, wasn't it?

"So if this be the root of all my bitter life is built upon..." that says a whole lot about who I am, where I am and, likely, where I am going.

It's time to get real.

I've referred to my lack of experience in dating circuits, I've referred to my "v for victory" badge that I still proudly wear to this day and I have referred to myself as being the 'cream that always rises to the top'.

But, again, let's be real for a second, okay...?

We are approximately 10% of what has happened to us and 90% of how we react to it.

So does that mean then that, in general, I've reacted poorly?

Poorest ReACTion Times

No, I wouldn't say that because, at the time, I've felt justified for acting like I did.

I think, to air one of the harshest roots, I've felt justified at being pis... (ED - again, watch your language, TLP!) hacked off towards the women that have not even taken a fair chance at finding the real me.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the bullsh... hurtful and, frankly, at times just plain selfish "let's be friends" speech. Yes, sometimes we just know when we've found the one... or so I've been told. But whatever happened to taking a chance, once in a while? You never know, you just might like it! :-P

I have to remember at this point that the women I have tried to date in the past, needn't cloud my opinion of women in general, nor the women I may try to date in the future. 

 

One thing I will say is that I am powerfully aware that women like to be wooed emotionally, sometimes more so than physically. It shows that I want to know you as a "whole person" and not just a physical entity that might seem pleasing to look at.

Who would want to be left feeling like a piece of meat, huh? We're all humans on this miserable rock for but a glimpse of time before we are gone, so let us all just try and co-exist peaceably! ;)

Nobody likes to cause their lover intentional pain, surely?

When it Cuts it Hurts So... Good?!

Why would someone deliberately enjoy causing themselves pain?

I don't mean 'self-harm' in that sense. I mean it in the sense that someone can feel a martyr towards their own pain and thus 'like' the feeling it gives them; it kind of reminds them that they are alive.

Does that sound an awful lot like holding a grudge? Gee, I hope not! :(

What I'm trying to say is that for some people, feeling pain is a good sign, because it reminds them that they are not a machine, despite what they tell themselves every night.

Taking an angle like this, it makes me wonder just how much do I enjoy my own pain? Because the way I have felt, for as long as I have felt, gives me that impression that I like wallowing in it, that I like harbouring it.

But why? I'm not a sadist, right?

I have absolutely no idea if this even makes any sense, it's just the way I've been feeling for so long now I don't know if I can adopt another way of living. I don't even know if I want to know another way of living, this has been around for so long.

I likened it, recently, to it being that much a part of me that if God were to take a scalpel, it would slice through living flesh, bone & muscle as it separated 'me' from the past with 'me' from the now!

Do you see now, why God told me it was not just going to go away?

It's not.

I've got to work through it and hold the course.

I told my friend, Pete, that right now I need isolation.

Final Thought

People might tell me it's counter-intuitive and it might go against what I've just said, what I've literally just said, but I do need it!

Nobody should be on this course that I'm on because they don't need to see the work that's being done, as it's being done (ED -Now who's being selfish?).

I'm talking about it from a self-preservation point of view. There are ghosts & skeletons I'm holding onto that I am categorically not prepared to let anyone see because it's none of their damn business what I hold as I go around every day!

The classic speech of someone with trust issues, right?

Well that's just the way it is right now, okay? I'm hoping that it is not the way it will always be.

Peace off!