Fighting Bear Traps With Glass Limbs III - Placing the Roof Underneath

The following confessional may contain triggers for some as it deals with some very broken roads and very dark issues that I have been struggling with lately. As always, you have been warned, so thank you for your patience. - TLP

Maaan, I could not have predicted where all of this would end up, but I knew it just had to be said!

I've already admitted before that I can withhold things longer than I should do and also longer than is necessary.

Didn't I say it was like a toxic swamp?

That was why I wrote in my journal, as I quickly realised that to write is to prevent everything from building up.


Take this Sunday for instance, I was sat in church and it was as though everything around me was screaming a distraction. A service I normally love to bits, seemed like it was feeding back against my very synapses.

I don't know how better to describe it than to say it was as though every single atom in the universe was rubbing against me like sandpaper causing a helluva lot of discomfort for me. Such to the extent was this, that like I told my friend Pete, I was on the verge of walking out it was that heinous an experience.

That would be a classic attack of the enemy if you ask me because he knew that I was in the wrong place, 'wrong' being the word used to described where he would rather I wasn't!

Why?

Do I really have to answer that? Do I really?

Oh, go on then!

The answer is as simple as the fact that he knew I was in the right place at the right time to get the right ministry into me when that was the last thing I should have done. I should have lived up to my cry for isolation.

My Eidetic Witness

Yes, I know what I said last time, that I actually want isolation right now, to let the work come to fruition and emerge a stronger and more powerful form of life. A greater form of life if you will.

But my question to myself is do I abandon all that I have ever known?

What if what's stopping me from achieving the heights that God knows I can hit, is the very thing I'm using to keep me grounded?

I've told you I have an eidetic memory & what better way to keep me grounded than to give me a waaaay higher than average IQ!

One combats the other... because if I'm smarter than your average, then it means that the mistakes I make along the way will not be forgotten.

Brian, a guy I worked with at my last job said it was an "excuse" when I said I don't have the option to forget... but pardon me for a minute... BULLSPIT!!!

Do you even know what 'eidetic' means? It means I cannot forget!

I can give you a play-by-play account of what I did today if you like, or yesterday, or the day before...

Part of me wants to say it's a curse, but it's not because you will not get a more reliable witness than I in your corner!

No wonder I used to internally stab my self-conscience whenever I didn't tell the full truth, that was my eidetic gifting reminding me that I did not tell events exactly as they happened.

So add all of that up together, in these three parts, and what do you get?

A very complicated and highly intense individual.

A Greater Form of Life? Why Yes, Yes I Am!

I hope this comes out right, because this song occasionally bugs me when it comes to my gripe at being single: -

 

Listen to that bridge again: -

Why did you give me so much desire
When there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire?
And why did you give me so much love in a loveless world
When there is no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love?
And why did you stick me in self deprecating bones and skin?
Jesus do you hate me?
Why did you stick me in self deprecating bones and skin?

Wow! You don't have to be a genius (sic!) to see what a broken and hurting soul I have been all these years, do you, brother?

No wonder I related to what it says only moments earlier: -

Monday - humiliation
Tuesday - suffocation
Wednesday - condescension
Thursday - is pathetic
By Friday life has killed me
By Friday this life has killed me

It was as though life was slowly in the process of killing all the joy, all the desire, all the love from within me!

Let me quote Evanescence here: -

"My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation"

Wow! What a "damaged goods" label I've been walking around with, huh?

That's why this is such a great clip from Lakewood Church leader, Joel Osteen: -

It shows me two things: -

1. God is not finished with me yet; and
2. NO ONE can stop what God has started

Final Thought

So after this three part confessional journey has come to a close, I can rest assured that God knows what He is doing and He is in full control of my destiny, despite my flaws and weaknesses.

That gives me greater comfort than does the thought that I suffer right now with such terrible feelings of loneliness that my partner has not found her way to me... yet!

Why haven't I found even one woman to love me? God only knows! :-P

Peace off!