Fighting Bear Traps with Glass Limbs I - The Trap Snaps Shut

The following confessional may contain triggers for some as it deals with some very broken roads and very dark issues that I have been struggling with lately. As always, you have been warned, so thank you for your patience. - TLP

First off, I'm sorry that I... well, actually I am not sorry that I'm having to do this again because the life I've been leading recently has brought up some really troubling and dark issues that have been repressed for so long that they've become a part of who I am today.

What makes me say this? Easy! I was at church a few weeks ago when Mark Foster preached a truly life-changing message on breaking your walls down and I've never looked back since...

Well, alright, maybe that's not true because in fact I've done nothing but as that message was designed to bring down some monumental walls I had erected protecting me against people.

Putting Up Barricades

Fast forward to today and, having recently parted ways with my last employer, I'm feeling adrift and someone limited and hollow in my existence. I cannot really go into too much detail on the job front except to say that telesales work is definitely, definitely not for everyone and though I may only have lasted around three to four weeks, it was a lot longer than I had anticipated on day two.

If you're not selling, you're not earning and to the company if you're not earning, they can replace you... does that say enough?

So anyways, back to me.

Now that these walls have come tumbling down, I feel somewhat in complete disarray right now. It's the why I cannot quite understand because I have my health, I have my flat, I have my jo... oh... wait!

I just feel like everything I'm living for is slipping away through my fingers. There's a song, "Ghost of You" by Good Charlotte, which pretty much sums up what I'm feeling right now: -

A ghost of you, is all that I have left
Is all that I have left of you to hold

Does that give you an idea? Or maybe this...

Recently, I spoke to my dad about the way I've been feeling, with regards to the job (but the principle's the same), that I was like a cage fighter trapped in a choke hold; or more specifically, the triangle chokehold.

Watch closely: -

You see that in the end, the fighter taps because he's trapped in the chokehold with nowhere to run to.

That's What Protects Me

Now I know for a fact you're wondering how in the hell that applies to someone living their life. I'll answer it as honestly as I can. It feels that, right now, like someone is trying to choke the life out of me be it this "joix de vivre" I talk a lot about.

Now people will say "ooh, ooh, I know the answer, dude; it's Satan, he's the one doing the choking"... and I know that.

You'd be right.

So how does knowing my enemy help me in this fight? Easy. I'll tell you.

Like the Apostle Paul, I have asked God to take this away from me, this choking, venomous feeling that has become a thorn in my flesh, but He hasn't. He has simply reminded me that He is my Source of strength. To stay the course is victory and to tap out is defeat so do you see my dilemma?

I'm not going to tap out and admit defeat and just give up on everything, I have too much to live for. But it... does... not... make it any easier knowing that this is not just going to disappear and instead I will have to hold the course throughout this time of fiery testing I am in.

I am in what the military would call the sh... well, you get what I mean, don't you? I cannot tap out and I cannot break free. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

But what is my staying point? No, not what, but Who? God, of course.

He's the reason I'm working my way through this and He's the reason I'm not giving in.

I'm beyond looking for my girlfriend now, I'm just getting really pis... sorry, a man of my faith should not be using language!

I've got better things to do...

Yes, yes, this describes what I feel my life's been all about all these years, yes!

I think it describes all it's ever been about!

You see, I'm upset people have used me, I'm upset people have hurt me. That's life. That's what people do. People are ass... (ED - control yourself, TLP!) you think I've got people issues? Damn straight I've got people issues!

I told you; I've got trust issues!

Final Thought

It's gonna take time to get rid of them because women shun me, "friends" leave me... it's no wonder I've harboured a kernel of bitterness over these years. So if this be the root of all my bitter life is built upon, then may I share one more song with you all, before I wrap up this part of the confessional?

Yes! Again this perfectly describes my demeanour right now!

I'm just fed up of being taken advantage of, treated like a mug, treated like I have no opinions!

Next time out... I'm pulling more on some threads!

Stay with me, bro's! This is going somewhere epic!

Peace off!