All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword...?" Numbers 14:2 (NIV)
Hello everyone and welcome to this week's devotional to go with my "60 Seconds of Faith" episode!
I've just tried to write this twice and had to redo it because it just wasn't saying what I need to say right now, which is a lot because of what I'm going through.
This week, I'm looking at the power of saying "if only..." when it comes to what we're faced with on a day to day basis...
The Power of Our 'If Only'
Before I jump into this week's reading, I want to share a little something with you concerning a certain crush I revealed to you not so long ago...
Last week, I met up with a friend of mine named Matt, and shared with him what I'm walking through at the moment; namely my crushing feelings for a certain young lady and how I feel inept at being around her and super shy whenever I see her.
Yes, it is me sharing my weakness, something I've done an awful lot of these past few weeks and it has pushed me to my limits, and beyond them!
I know you might laugh at what I've posted and if you read some of my recent posts, you would have noticed certain bits of information that I first put in, then took out because it was just too forward of me and a little ahead of myself to claim that I knew who I was supposed to be with.
What I know is irrevocable, I cannot unknow it because God has shown it to me before Christmas...
What it has done is flipped my world upside down, my whole concept of reality, in the sense of where I am heading, has been forever changed...
Unbelief or Ungrateful to a Distraction
Let's pause, for a moment, to look at this week's reading.
What was it the Israelites said...?
All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword...?"
Wow! How ungrateful is that?
To say to Moses and to Aaron in the full hearing of God "If only we had died in Egypt"!
They spent that much time looking backwards that they missed the blessing that was supposed to be unfolding around them; namely the provision and possession of the land of blessing.
Yes, I can relate to that because sometimes, I'm not ashamed to admit this because it shows me my frailties, that I too have looked back and longed for the days before this crush came to life.
Why, though, if it makes you feel good?
To Define, or Re-define a Crush
The whole definition of a crush is, at its worst as I and anyone else can testify, it feels like you are being quite literally crushed by your emotions for someone.
When I told my friend, Matt, he told me that I should think about confronting her with my feelings because that is the only way that I can move forward from this.
Is it? Is it the only way that I can move forward?
I never planned for any of this to happen, I didn't set out to feel what I feel for her, I just know that it would not be appropriate, at this time, to confess my feelings for her when I know nothing about her except two things: -
- Her name; and
- Her birthday
So my question to you all then is simple; how can I possibly tell a girl I like her a whole heap, when I barely know anything about her except her name and birthday?
It's just not right and it's just not fair because, like I said, I know next to nothing about her and at the moment I'm crippled by a sense of shyness that I just cannot seem to shake.
I want to get to know her
first, to find out just how genuine these feelings really are. All I
know is that I have prayed for God to remove from me whatever is not of
Him and these feelings remain.
All that I know right now is that I have to limit my interactions with her because I don't want to say something stupid, but at the same time I cannot avoid her completely as it will make her feel awkward around me.
I'm not rushing anything and I'm certainly not pushing anything, but knowing what I'm up against, knowing where I am heading, I know that each step I take going forward has to be carefully measured and balanced.
I cannot risk saying that I 'love' her, until I know that these feelings are both genuine and reciprocated.
For what it's worth, to me they are the most genuine feelings that I have ever had, so much sometimes that my head and my heart hurt in unison.
It's funny how one can long for the concept of something that once was, as though it was somehow better, or more comfortable...
All I know is that I am forever grateful to a young lady I worked with last year for a month for a simple offer of a hug, because it started me on the journey to where I am today; better able to share my true feelings and not hide behind a mask as I've done for years.
Final Thought
Anyways, I'll have to call it there because this has already turned out much longer than I was ever intending, but then I did say I had a lot to day! ;-)
All that I know right now is that I have to at least try to be around this person more from here on out because how is she supposed to get to know me better if I am hiding behind a wall of personal inadequacy and intimidation?
Do you see now why I chose this subject next? Because I'm supposed to find someone to be with at my church and I'm starting to have details filled in before the time is ready!
My goodness, I cannot wait to see what comes out of this tomorrow as I think I'll revisit this subject some more!
Peace out!
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