Hi everyone!
I've got a lot on my mind at the moment, ever since I met up with my friend Matt and he suggested I confront a certain person with how I am feeling.
To me, and I want to get this out of the way right away, that sounds like a silly thing to do because I barely know this person and, stuck record as I clearly am right now, to do so could very well ruin even the potential of a great friendship.
But also it might not...
Confusion vs. Enlightenment
Last night I left another gathering of a few friends because of the weight of this issue bearing down upon me and of the impending arrival of our creative open night.
I just don't want to be the one that bores people with the details of how I'm struggling to deal with feelings for someone I never even planned on having feelings for!
You know the sort? The one who's always complaining about a situation that s/he is stuck in and seems unable to break out of. That's my dilemma right now; being stuck in a trap of my own making because these are my feelings I'm talking about.
I keep reminding myself that I'm made in the Creator, God's, image so no amount of rejection can ever truly destroy me. Yet I feel this just might if I were to admit to her just how much I like her.
Have you ever wondered if something would be the making or breaking of you? That's how I feel about this.
I've been trying my best to make sure that my eye is caught by God first before anybody else because after all is said and done, I am following Him and His leading!
He has given me freedom of choice and I've chosen to accept these feelings that He has allowed to get near me, simply because I just know they are leading me somewhere that I have never been before!
I mean, sure, I've had a crush before, but never, ever, to this magnitude!
I'm not going to criticise anybody who tells me to move on and forget about her because that's just not how I work.
But is the least I can expect from others is that they do the same for me?
Given on the One Hand, Taken Away with the Other
Not always, because not everybody understands what I'm going through, they don't understand where I've come from, the hell I've gone through in wrestling with the stigma of never having had a relationship before for thirty-something years.
They also don't know where I'm going, so when people talk to me, I have to bear in mind that their own experiences and opinions are already warping what they are telling me before it gets to me. They are advising, based on what they have been through.
My friend, Matt, understands that, I could tell from the way he has been speaking to me as I've talked to him about this. All I feel right now, in my gut, is that I should actually hold off on telling her how much I like her, at least until I can try and get to know her better.
But that's my dilemma, actually being brave enough to stay around long enough to see her. In my credit and to my defence, I actually stayed for two out of the three services yesterday, which is a remarkable step up from someone who was that scared to even show his face that he didn't, or if he did he was soon gone afterwards. Right now, all that I know, is that I just have to make sure that Jesus is the only one who catches my eye as I move forward, day by day.
As I said earlier in my post, I've got the creative open night coming up on Thursday and I have been planning on stepping out in an unexpected way like never before ever since God told me to do it some weeks ago.
I Want to Run Away, Like, Seriously!
It's hard, my running away tells you that and I'm not daft enough to see that I cannot let it go on, that's why I'm actually trying to show effort in staying around for two services!
I know it cannot go on because I cannot try and fulfil my calling if I let my crush dictate to me how often I can be at church. This is why I am glad I was delivered of the damaging effect it was having on me as I was led and harassed by my own emotions.
I saw the damaging effect it was having, and still admittedly is having, but I'm working through it. That's why I challenged myself to stay around all afternoon, even if I did need some time away from the lunch club. They know I'm around, they're praying for me and they are there if I need them.
Right now I just need to get some things straight in my head and I need to seek God first and foremost because she got in the way, did my crush, or more specifically did my feelings for her!
My friend warned me about this, she said to watch that she doesn't become an idol in place of God...
Final Thought
As I tromp through the muddy texture of life that I'm currently walking through I am realising that, with every breath, Jesus is still here and my stepping out on Thursday has the potential to have some seriously lasting repercussions!
I know that people will not be expecting it and I know I wasn't either, when God gave me the instruction that I have been waiting to follow up on for a few weeks now. In fact, I can go as far as saying that I am petrified if I stop to think about how I am planning on stepping out because I never planned for this either!
What will the future hold? Well, I know because I've seen it and I'm just waiting to see how it all unfolds!
But you know what? I'm not scared of it anymore, of my feelings towards it because the same Jesus who rose Lazarus from the dead is the same God who instructed Noah to load up the ark with two animals of every kind and the same Spirit is living inside of me enabling me to live out a larger life!
I'm going to come back to this again this week so be ready because I'm not scared of my crush anymore, nor am I scared of talking about it on here because, aside from mentioning names, I want people to know that THIS WILL NOT STOP ME from living out the life that God called me to!
Peace out!
No comments:
Post a Comment