Moses answered God, “But why me? What makes you think that I could ever go to Pharaoh and lead the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11 (MSG) emphasis added
Wow!
I could almost get used to this!
The more and more that I am pouring my heart on here about what having a crush is doing to me, the easier it is getting, albeit gradually!
Yes, that's right, this week sees another devotional fused with a life update and it just seems to be the way forward these days, especially now I'm committed to a newer level of openness and honesty...
In the reading this week, God was listening to Moses' protests that he was not the right man to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and you can bet that He was almost ready to say "if you only knew what I know about you"!
You see, God knew something that Moses didn't; that he would end up doing just that and leading God's people out of the land of slavery to freedom!
So this is what I was talking about yesterday when I said it was going to be tres awkward for me to now bring into perspective what I've learnt from this reading with what I'm going through with my crush...
Looking With Who's Eyes?
I look at my crush, my feelings that I've had, the candle that I've had for many months now for a certain person and start to realise that if God has allowed these feelings to get close to me for a reason, which He has, then He will give me the grace and mercy to see it through the way a Christian boy (sic!) should do!
You see, that has been my biggest challenge, the fact that I've never had a relationship because I've always been focusing on grades, on studying when I was at school and then out of school was just focused on being the best version of myself that I possibly could for Jesus.
Challenged By Myself
I'm feeling completely challenged right now though, if I am honest because I saw her for the first time in a couple of weeks at creative on Thursday night and you can imagine what that must have been like for me.
I went to jell-o and as I left the auditorium, I quickly realised that she was walking right there in front of me for practice. Could I say a word to her? I could not! :-(
Next minute I looked over to where she was and... she stopped and went to speak to someone who was behind us. Dare I ask... is it because of me? Am I making her that awkward? I've said nary a word to her for so long so I can't create that much awkwardness, right?
Surely I'm overthinking this, aren't I? It wouldn't be the first time that's happened because I've got a very overactive imagination and it likes to imagine things that aren't even there sometimes!
All I am just trying to show her is that I am still interested in being her friend, if nothing else, at first.
I'll admit, though, that after an amazing breakthrough weekend last weekend, I feel that this is just the latest challenge that I am facing on my road to... I'd almost want to say "redemption" but I'm already redeemed, almost twenty years to the date!
Next minute I looked over to where she was and... she stopped and went to speak to someone who was behind us. Dare I ask... is it because of me? Am I making her that awkward? I've said nary a word to her for so long so I can't create that much awkwardness, right?
Surely I'm overthinking this, aren't I? It wouldn't be the first time that's happened because I've got a very overactive imagination and it likes to imagine things that aren't even there sometimes!
All I am just trying to show her is that I am still interested in being her friend, if nothing else, at first.
A Breakthrough to Tears
I'll admit, though, that after an amazing breakthrough weekend last weekend, I feel that this is just the latest challenge that I am facing on my road to... I'd almost want to say "redemption" but I'm already redeemed, almost twenty years to the date!
But it still feels like this is trying to compromise everything that I have been building all this time because my gaze is supposed to be set on Jesus, supposed to be set on the work that I am doing for Him. Still this challenges me so...
In fact, I went home that night, as I have done so many other times before and actually found myself getting tres emotional over seeing her again and walking so close to her, I mean seriously emotional, because I cannot help feeling so foolish, so silly because I can't even find the bravery to say hello to her!
The trouble is, this is how complicated my feelings are for this person because I like her, I like her a whole heckuva heap, so much so that I am actually beginning to get afraid to speak to her in case I say something stupid, like dropping a premature l-bomb!
The trouble is, this is how complicated my feelings are for this person because I like her, I like her a whole heckuva heap, so much so that I am actually beginning to get afraid to speak to her in case I say something stupid, like dropping a premature l-bomb!
I think it's obvious just how long my candle has been burn, burn, burning away for her now, isn't it?
But God is helping me with this, He is helping me keep it in perspective, even if my gaze does drift away from Him at times, which proves I'm only human and susceptible, apparently, to feelings like I have never ever had for someone before!
I wanted to open up and share this on here this weekend to keep you all in the loop with how I'm coping at the moment, which seems to come in ebbs and flows as I go from feeling well able to handle my feelings for her, to being drowned by them quite forcefully!
But God is right here with me, just as He was with Moses and just as He guided him through his problems, He can most definitely guide me through mine!
Watch the skies!
Final Thought
I wanted to open up and share this on here this weekend to keep you all in the loop with how I'm coping at the moment, which seems to come in ebbs and flows as I go from feeling well able to handle my feelings for her, to being drowned by them quite forcefully!
But God is right here with me, just as He was with Moses and just as He guided him through his problems, He can most definitely guide me through mine!
Watch the skies!
No comments:
Post a Comment