I Am Stu-tacus XI: A Trip Through Boredom

Warning: The following post is quite serious in nature and therefore may contain triggers for some, please proceed with reading at your own risk. You have been warned! TLP

Do you want proof that depression is a battle?

How about how I'm feeling right now; malaise, meh, blah... I could go on and on and believe you me, I do on this blog of mine!

I have to take the rough times with the smooth and I know that times like these are often the hardest to ride out because, as someone who was battling depression on and off, I allowed a certain crush to convince me that my battle was over that it was won and done...

Crying Victory or Defeat, I Know Not Which

Whilst my victory might have been from last year, depression is something that keeps trying to rear its pugly head as I walk through this new season in my life where I'm trying to get used to the feelings that I have for the person I know next to nothing about.

I know it's a delicate position to be in and I for one am not allowing it to become an idol in place of my One True Love; God!

I just sometimes wish that I had not seen even half of the things that I've seen, but the opposite side to that coin is that I wouldn't be where I am which is... precisely not much further forward.

I have no idea what sort of message these words are sending out, especially as last time out I said I was willing to die before I give up.

I think I already have; given up, that is, not died!

I cannot do what is expected of me in this, not when I feel so silly because I am too shy to talk to her.

I'm So Tired of Trying

You can laugh at me if you want, I promise you I already have on numerous occasions, but now I am at the stage where I am about ready to give it up, about ready to lay it down one final time and walk away from it.

Why?

The answer is simple; because I cannot go up to her and tell her just how much I like her given that: -

1. She rebuffed me first; and
2. All the emotion that I claim to feel towards her will come out like a torrent if not handled correctly

Now what if I told you that I am insufficient to carry it any further?

I have tried, God knows that I have tried to keep this flame going, but I just feel like guttering out now. I cannot go anywhere without her face passing my eyes, without a thought of what could have happened if things had gone differently had I not pushed her to say what she was really feeling at that time.

Does that give you a picture of what feelings of inadequacy that I am battling with here? I've told you before that I have no experience to draw from. Talk about making you feel inferior to the max because you start to wonder if you have got what it takes as a man.

This is where my 'no-one' attitude came from; I didn't care anymore who liked me or who didn't, in fact I didn't care about a lot of things.

The only change this time around is that I do care who likes me and it's just... I think it's too much for me to go on like this.

Have you ever noticed what happens to a match the longer that you hold onto it? The flame continues to burn down the stick until you get burnt yourself.

Well I've lost got-dang count of how many times that has happened to me and no amount of letting go seems to help because the feelings subside for some time, but they always come bloody well back!

At this point, I'm reminded of what Kelly Jones sang in an old Stereophonics song: -

"Watch them fly Sundays", my God, Sundays are indeed flying these days and I cannot seem to get them back again or live up to their expectations!

I hope the message of what I'm trying to say comes across here because it's right near the end where Kelly sings: -

They say if something
Should fly away
And it flies back to you again
Then it is yours

The audio chops right at the very end, but those are the words that Kelly sings and I'm brought low at this point because, yes those feelings keep on coming back to me, but I'm not sure if I want them anymore.

Not when I can ill find the confidence that I need to speak to her.

Final Thought

I'm in quite a delicate position right now because this is a definite fork in the road that I keep coming back and back and back and back and... you get the idea, let's just say I keep being brought back to it.

I do not know what is going to happen because I have claimed to have seen the ending to all of this, but it's one step too far, one shot out of range and I'm not sure that I can afford the toll that it is taking on me both physically and mentally anymore.

I have lost count the amount of times that the pressure of all of this is weighing down upon me too much leaving me with a headache, literally!

If you pray, keep me in your prayers, dudes, because I might just need them! ;-)

Peace off!