Warning: The following post contains material which may be triggers for some in a particularly dark place right now. Please bear with me whilst I work through my personal stuff. You have been warned! - TLP
I couldn't very well leave the first part of this update as it was now, could I?
Instead, whilst (my favourite evening activity, as if it's not obvious already!) listening to Smooth Classics on Classic FM, I'm willing to push back my "60 Seconds..." devotional to make room for this, so you'll have to know that it is that important to me that I air my feelings completely in this.
Recently I raised my own concerns at what the crush I was under was doing to me both emotionally and physically and I decided, you know what? Everybody has a breaking point and I've reached mine!
I've put up with this for as long as I could, since well into last year, so quite a long time then!
Pushing Out to the Max
All that I am prepared to say at this point is that I am done with the yo-yo effect it was creating for me on a personal level. One minute I could be flying high and the next, I could be hit by a vision of her face, or just a simple mention of her name and down I go, into a bummed out slump.
I know that some say it's all part of the ride, but is it?
Is it really all part of the ride?
I ask these questions because, as I've pretty much made obvious already, the only things that I have to go on as far as relationships is what I've read from books, or what's featured in the movies.
I'm not kidding you...
I'm being deadly serious! :-)
Until very recently, I wasn't all that concerned with finding a partner to settle down with and do life together, I was happy to just have fun.
I'll tell you one thing that helped me to realise that this was becoming far bigger than it ever should have gotten; I actually found myself fondly reminiscing of days gone past where single me was happy-care-free-me!
During those days I made some fantastic memories, like my Welsh Road Trips, or just my many, many days out to the local parks in the summer, or maybe even just sitting out on the front with my neighbours just soaking up the sun.
Sweet Dreams are Indeed Made of These
When you find yourself fondly reminiscing a little too much you know that something is going on, something is going wrong, maybe...
I didn't care about much else than just chilling with friends, just enjoying my own company, whatever.
Now, however, I seem forever on a journey chasing something that is so illusive; happiness.
What defines happiness though?
Is it the friends you have?
Is it the car you drive?
The house you live in?
Or is it something more?
For me it is about the memories that I am making and when I get into a point where I feel stuck in a rut I have to make a change, I... just... HAVE to!
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
I had to do it, that heading it was asking me to quote that song... ;-)
I came up with an intriguing idea for a potential career move that I'm going to give some serious thought to in the days ahead because if I do go ahead with it (and am successful, naturally!), it will carry with it at least a four year commitment, meaning that for the next four years I'd have to stick it out!
I'm not willing to share what it is just yet, just know that I am not taking it lightly because it will have far-reaching ramifications. But at least I won't be stuck where I was only a matter of days ago.
You know what? I am actually glad (now that the dust has had a chance to settle) that my friend confronted me on my feelings for the person I was crushing on because it forced me to sit up and take notice that I could very well head in a very dangerous direction all contained in one word; obsession!
Wow!
That is a cold, hard pill to swallow, which is why I am glad that for now (and maybe forever more), I have decided to put the feelings that I have for this person in a box and bury them in a shallow grave to either be revisited and dug up at a later date, or just buried and ignored for all the rest of time.
I know it's quite a drastic u-turn, I'm not stupid, but you have got to understand that the turmoil it was putting me through, I decided that I wanted control of my life back, control from feeling like a frickin' yo-yo all the time!
I'm not focusing on the future right now and I am not focusing on pursuing anything with this young lady either, my focus has been pulled endlessly between God and her.
I'm not putting up with it anymore.
Nothing has the right to interject between me and God... frickin' NOTHING!!!
Final Thought
Do you see now why I asked for your prayers?
I have taken a drastic step to bury my feelings in a shallow grave because they were really starting to interfere on my daily living, unacceptably so.
Yes I was ruled by my feelings in this, which is why I have taken this step to shut them down before anything has a chance to happen, or go awry!
Anything that could pull me away from God has to go!
It is God or nothing, that is all!
Peace off!
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