Hello everyone!
It's Friday again & I hope that you have had a good week.
I can't complain really because, despite the challenges that I am facing, realising that Christ has already placed within me all that I need to achieve everything that He is calling me to, helps me to see that other people's opinions of what I do pale to insignificance.
The reality is that as long as you hold yourself responsible for what you say & what you do then how other people take it is not up to you; it is down to them.
Today, I want to make a quick mention about my situation as it's high time I started preparing to tell a certain person how I am feeling about her...
Be The Light That You Want to See in the World
You see, the more and more that I have talked with my Life Group leaders & with God in prayer, the more and more that I have realised that I cannot not tell her, as I said in my last post because that is just mean!
She deserves to know...
I deserve to know...
So I can feel it coming now, the inevitability of what I am about to do and I felt it so real earlier, that it made me almost want to cry. Not just this situation but it hit me also, that though I've only been back online about a week now, the feedback that I have been getting has shown that I am so far living up to my mission of how I am using social media.
If I am one day going to plant a church somewhere, then I need to make sure that my usage of social media is spot on because whilst not everybody will get my mission, they will hopefully be able to see my transparency in terms of what I say & what I do in ministry.
Apparently people tell me that I'd make a great speaker, which has been something that I have been reluctant to admit to until now; I've always seen myself as more of a follower than a leader.
Looking back, over my shoulder, I can see how there have been times where I've been thrust into roles of leadership within team activities and never really thought of it as something that I was good at, per se.
It just seemed to come naturally to me.
Recording my broadcast for a year helped me to build my confidence over a podcast-esque activity & that appears to have rubbed off on me in other areas of my life.
I've recently opened up to my Life Group about struggling really badly with anxiety for quite some time, and it has shocked me the response because opening myself up like that could have lead to criticism.
Instead, it's made me super vulnerable to what life has to throw at me, which in the case of my crush can only be a good thing because in order to let someone know that I have feelings for them, I have to let them get close enough to hurt me.
That is something that not a lot of people like to do because in making yourself vulnerable, as I've said, some people will probably laugh at you, whilst others will admire your struggle because the fact that you are still here today shows that you have not given up.
Last year, I came up with a little hashtag of #IWillDieBeforeIGiveUp & whilst I meant it for my life in general, I was in actual fact referring to my crush & how the last breath would have to leave my body before I did nothing about it.
Yes, every single word on here I will have to give an account for one day, that is why I have to make sure my theology is sound as is the doctrine that I'm preaching from because if it is not, I risk leading people away from the truth of Christ that sets them free: -
Therefore, if the Son sets you free, you really will be free. John 8:36 (HCSB) emphasis mine
That freedom comes the moment we accept Jesus as our Lord & Saviour but for many believers, all in fact, it only becomes manifest in our lives the more that we open up and release to Him. The more that we hold back in our lives, the less God is able to do even though He is all-powerful.
This seemingly contradictory statement comes about when we try to stop God working in a certain way and whilst He will not force Himself upon our lives, His will is the one that, ultimately, will be done.
As we appear to limit God, He will let us go as far as we can in our own strength before telling us that it really is impossible to do life without Him.
Notice how I said "try to stop God"?
We cannot win in a fight against God, He will allow us to wrestle Him to grow our faith & our strength in depth, but ultimately we cannot win: -
But the grace that God gives is even stronger. As the scripture says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6 (GNT) emphasis mine
Take a look at how Jacob wrestled with God & what happened with him: -
Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that He could not defeat him, He struck Jacob’s hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip. Then He said to Jacob, “Let Me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me.” “What is your name?” the man asked. “Jacob,” he replied. “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” He said. “It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked Him, “Please tell me Your name.” But He answered, “Why do you ask My name?” And He blessed him there. Jacob then named the place Peniel, “For I have seen God face to face,” he said, “and I have been delivered.” The sun shone on him as he passed by Peniel—limping because of his hip. That is why, to this day, the Israelites don’t eat the thigh muscle that is at the hip socket: because He struck Jacob’s hip socket at the thigh muscle. Genesis 32:24-32 (HCSB) emphasis mine
In God wrenching Jacob's hip, He was effectively leaving him with a reminder of what happens when anyone wrestles with God; he/she might win, as in this case, but they would walk forever differently after it!
Final Thought
In closing then, of course I have been wrestling with God over my crush, I've been wrestling with it now for over a year without doing anything about it!
I always knew that one day would come when I would have to tell her about this, I just did not expect that day to be any day now.
Again, she deserves to know of the utterly profound effect that she has had upon me ever since I first laid eyes upon her: -
This is one of the closest songs that comes to how I've been feeling all this time, so it's only natural that I link to it to add further weight to the impact I'm trying to express on here.
People can read what I write & they can think I'm deluded all they like, I just know for a fact that if they were in my position they'd either crumble under the pressure not to do something about it, or better yet, they'd probably go running for the hills.
I'm still here, my heart is still beating & I will see this through to the very end now!
Shock, drop & awe!
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